One word: Comfortable

Another entry to Tara's Gallery. This week the prompt was for one word so I have chosen comfortable. Let me introduce you to Molly the Wondercat. She was a scared little bedraggled cat when we found her at the rescue home. She is now the fluffiest, proudest old lady who ever ruled a household.

Doesn't she look comfortable? A friend describes her cats as boneless when they relax, we just call it flat cat. To me it just epitomises that feeling of giving in to relaxation - a state that sometimes we all aspire to.

Whatever happens over the next week, I hope life affords you a few moments of blissed out relaxation. Enjoy some comfort! xx

Simple Pleasure: Cooking

I have loved looking at many contributions to the Sticky Fingers Gallery - and so here is my first attempt to join in.

The title 'Simple Pleasures' seems quite an apt description of our life at Chaos Cottage. After all, the moments that I am most nostalgic about from my own childhood are the simple things like cooking, picking carrots from the garden or just having silly fun around the house.

Into adulthood  cooking became important, I started to bond with my 20 something step son as I taught him to cook when he was on placement from University and now I cook with the Pickle.

It is our favourite rainy afternoon pleasure to cook. She runs off, washes her hands, puts on her apron and gets ready to cook. Here she is making a pizza. We start form scratch, flour flying, kneeding the dough, through to the important job of decorating it with toppings. Cheaper than a take out and so, so much more fun!

This is next...

The last fertility blog I said that I was preparing for the next step towards IVF before even waiting for the results of our last attempts. How wrong could I be? That time we hit the jackpot. Yes, I am pregnant! YIPEEEEEE!

The first few weeks were characterised by mild paranoia that  I would miscarry again then I was then overtaken by the most fundamental exhaustion. Morning sickness? Well, constant nausea followed by a full on room spinning queasiness at bed time is a better description. Don't get me wrong, this is not a problem. These are symptoms of a healthy pregnancy, after the wait, I am more aware of my luck to be up the duff than I am concerned about the side effects.

After sharing so much about about the journey towards fertility I all but abandoned blogging. It was too soon to spill the beans with my patchy luck when it came to pregnancies. I was so low on energy, while both over joyed and a little scared - but all I could discuss on twitter was the physical exhaustion.

I also felt quite a fraud as I when wrote the last fertility  blog when I already knew that I was pregnant. But, this is a long and on going journey - and this pregnancy has only just begun. I hope that this can give hope to anyone who has been struggling to conceive - after 4 1/2 years I'm finally pregnant and I am totally over the moon! Thanks for sharing the journey with me. xx

Mommy Dearest

I have written about a few ups and downs I have had with my Mum, she is an amazing woman but she can be a difficult Mother. She has been complaining that she does not see the Pickle but can cancel coming to her Birthday if she is invited to play bridge.

I can be smart and find an invitation she could not refuse. The carrot I dangled to Reading was not her Granddaughter but 'HomeSense' the new T.K.Maxx home store - and it worked. She came!

We had a great browse of HomeSense and she found a cute present for the Pickle - then she even was complimentary about my home, the lunch I prepared and she seemed to enjoy walking the dog. The spell was not lifted. shee ignored the lure of the computer and her emails and even came on the school run with me.

The Pickle was so excited to see Granny, which melted the Mumster's heart. The charm continued - after a quick tea I made myself busy and secretly watched. I am so pleased that I did - the sight will lift me over many dark days. They just sat side by side, Sarita showing her Granny her pictures from her book bag. The were totally absorbed in each other's company, just enjoying the  moment.

As afternoon slipped into the evening, and the spell continued. The details are immaterial, the bridges are being built. For the first time Granny really connected with my new family. Patience and optimism have paid off!

If I can capture some of that magic dust that sprinkled that day, I would like to pass it on to you. Families can be great, they can be difficult but sometimes with luck, patience and some of this magic dust, I hope that you too can have your own happy ever afters, even if you have had a rocky start.

Granny is back on side, if I feel strong enough, I may write about one more relationship that seems immune to my best efforts. But, if we have got Granny to relax into toddler time, anything is feasible!

Feeling...(a conversation with a chair)

I have spent the past few days looking for random words - which is not as strange a it may seem. I have been following Josie's prompt for the latest writing workshop. What a great way to force yourself to observe the words that surround us - from visual pollution you can pull out that which is thought provoking, the promise of a story, or something to provoke a secret smile.


Nothing quite lit my bulb, until I saw a sad dejected chair that had once been lovingly and creatively painted. One painted word jumped out at me...feeling. In part it returns to an old theme about listening to stories before it is too late. What would happen if that chair could speak - what had led of lovingly painted chair be so shunned. Let us imagine that we can could talk, would it tell us what it was feeling? Suspend your disbelief and lets talk to a chair.

Hello chair, how are you feeling? What are you doing, lurking behind the door? You look so special, so carefully adorned, what is your story? Let me guess, you are in an arts centre,  were you painted as part of an exhibition or as a prop for a show. When you were freshly painted were you in pride of place?

How can I put this delicately, you must be intimately acquainted with many of my fellow humans. Have you met artists, and actors - and have you offered welcome respite in their busy lives? What have you seen and overheard in your time?

Then there must be your fall from grace. How did you, in your painted glory, come to be needed for your function rather than your beauty. Do you miss your glory days or do you miss the glamour of your former life? Again, how does it feel?

As I see you in your faded glory I think of  others, who may have stories, but are do demure to tell? It can be easy to overlook chairs, but how about people? Instead of a chair, it could have been an assuming lady who was once the life and soul of the Music Halls, would I pass her by or take the time to discover her stories.

So chair, it was wonderful to see your faded glory. I would love to hear your tales of life and indiscretions at the heart of an arts centre. Thank you for a glimpse of your potential life.

Here are a few of my other words, in case you too feel inspired!

What next?

What next? It seems to be a slide towards IVF but I am trying to put the brakes on, sure that after one successful pregnancy I can conceive naturally again - but then I think of my age and at 40 I ought to be chasing after whatever options I have left with no delay.

The whole infertility issue is not easy - the path towards treatment is no bed of roses. You get poked and and prodded and your privacy goes out of the window. I have been on Clomid for a while and I have almost been ovulating, but somehow I don't quite get there.

The amazing nurse at the Fertility Clinic is convinced that I need one final push before we go for IVF - and an injection to try to ensure that I do ovulate. It is quite spooky, we work out when ovulation is due to take place and as it is a Monday I need to inject myself over the weekend - that means no trip to the clinic but I need do the deed myself. I have never concentrated so hard on anything in my life as how to do it. One injection,  two needles, solvents and the drugs.

We are not at home for the weekend so when to do it? We find a time and, of course, I wimp out and get the Hubster to take control. I am okay with injections, but so long as I don't see what is happening. Deep breath and injection over. But will it work?

Hormonal roller coaster! Weeeheee - Clomid and FSH (I think, it is 3 initials which are not HTC) all coursing through me, sending my emotions haywire. What fun! Fortunately the Hubster is a generous and forgiving type.

 I am now so matter of fact about the whole process and the whole failure cycle. After the misfires and the dodgy health (fainting, chronic exhaustion) I do need to think about any extra stresses that I put on my body. A few weeks later and I know the symptoms, the PMT, the churning inside.

I call the clinic on automatic and start to work out the next steps. The lovely nurse asks me if I have actually started my period - funny how I throw in the towel before I have even got to the crunch time. I just seem to be looking fatalistic - counting down the possible months until IVF.

It is funny how I am so upbeat and positive about so much of life but I seem to be totally fatalistic about my fertility. I don't think I am depressed by the situation, and funnily enough I really believe that we are going to have a sibling for the Pickle Why do I seem to be negative about my monthly (lack of) progress? Time will tell!

Giving!

The theme for this week's blog is 'Giving' inspired by Josie's charitable work and Action Aid's  new campaign focusing on the amazing feeling their supporters get by helping developing communities work their way out of poverty. (Looking back now at what I have written I am a little surprised at the diatribe, but it is honest and straight from the heart - sorry if it is so serious).

I am tempted to get very cynical about giving. Over the past 24 hours there have been some really damning reports about foreign aid.  First off there was an article about how UK Government aid is more linked to commercial interests than needs, then there was a piece discussing how in Haiti the aid was not helped by the diverse agenda of the aid agencies involved.

Then lets think about other ways of giving. Our Government is encouraging us all to work for the Big Society and give our time to help our community. Funding for community initiatives are being slashed, but that is fine as having been shown the error of our ways we will all volunteer to pick up the pieces. I have worked for a charity setting up board level volunteering partnerships, and I am a trustee of a fab organisation that relies in part the amazing team who give their time so generously - but I know to build rewarding relationships it takes time and effort. Volunteers need recruiting, often training, they need to be given a brief and support - and without the cash, charities often can not harness the potential of volunteers.

Do I disagree with charitable giving? Absolutely not! I am a Mum and I can't see pictures of distressed children in Haiti, Pakistan or hear about the latest heroic fund-raising effort on Twitter without being moved to donate. I just wish that rather than donating a few pounds and hours I had a fully functioning magic wand that would really worked.

I refuse to be cynical - but I am sad. Sad that there seem to be  no ideal or quick fix solutions, sad that there is so much need and I can't do more, sad that the world is not fair. Just because there are no easy solutions I am not going to give my self the excuse not to care or not to contribute. I know that I could do more, I wish I had more money to give, but I am an optimist and believe in hope. I believe in the power of individuals, as together we do make a difference. I wish Action Aid ever success in their new campaign!