As a reader of Dawn's excellent blog The Moiderer I was interested to read about her new book. The description starts "One day, when my daughter was around 3 years old, she started asking "Are you happy mummy?".
Am I happy now? For the first time in years I can say 'yes'. There has been no seismic shift, just another a combination of good fun, appreciating the ups and working at it. It is no secret that I was terrified of getting post natal depression again, fear that again - when all else seemed to be going so well - I would find myself quietly crying as I pushed the buggy along.
Last time the depression crept up on me but now the has veil had lifted and I can feel things, and that feels good! Sure I get tired, at times I find the treadmill of nappy changing a little dull - but that is eclipsed by the good.
It is funny how sometimes an insignificant moment can shine a light on your life. I remember the moment when, eleven years ago getting out of the bath, I new with certainty I could spend the rest of my life with the Hubster. Similarly, the other day I was carrying DB back to our living room and I caught myself laughing as we chatted wordlessly. Yes, I had just changed a nappy; no, nothing dramatic was happening that moment - but my paradigm had changed and that was momentous - I was happy!
I was inspired to write this by Mich at Mummy from the Heart and her Reasons to Be Cheerful blog hop. As I have been blogging for a while I should be more clued up, but it took Mama Owl's prompt to get me up to speed on blog hop netiquette - I hope I have it sorted now. Anywhere here is the linky to help you finds other lovely entries. Thanks again to Mummy from the Heart and Mama Owl!
Showing posts with label post natal depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post natal depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Stuck in the mist
Looking at my blog I notice that I have shared rather alot about my post natal depression. Two reasons, one to work things out for my myself and to validate my feelings but more importantly because it is an issue that affects the majority, yes the majority, of new Mums but is still often viewed as something to be ashamed about. This has been prompted for thehttp://www.dancewithoutsleeping.co.uk/p/mental-health-carnival.html Normal tales from the optimist will resume imminently. Xx
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I glimpsed her today, walking through the woods. She was just going about her daily business, but somehow she just looked so free. Almost as soon as I registered her presence she drifted away - but I was happy just to know that she was still there.
Who was she? It was the person I once was, before the fog of depression isolated me from real life. With post natal depression a haze had descended; sometimes a deep and dislocating fog and at other times just a blurry mist. This makes the depression sound cozy and comforting, which is misleading, it is pernicious and cruel. Stray comments became stealth bombs that could plaque me in my endless sleepless nights. During daylight I was listless and unable to move under the terrible weight of what I perceived to be my failure; failure to keep my job, failure to keep my step children happy, failure to hold onto my financial nest egg, and worst of all by failing to conceive again I was a failure, in the most basic sense, as a woman. The mist of depression stopped me from being able to navigate my own life - all I could focus on was what I saw as failure.
I was physically present but the fog isolated me from my reality. Sure, there were happy times but I did not seem to be able to connect with them. I could watch my daughter enjoying her birthday, face alight with excitement and wonder - but feel as if I was watching it on a film.
For me there has been no black dog, I have never stopped functioning on a day to day level and I have always maintained my natural optimism. My life has just been veiled by the fog that isolates me, making functioning laborious.
The veil of depression is lifting, this morning for the first time in years I felt as if I was reconnecting with the old me. The effortlessly optimistic me will once again will feel connected and free again. I know, i saw her this morning.:'y
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I glimpsed her today, walking through the woods. She was just going about her daily business, but somehow she just looked so free. Almost as soon as I registered her presence she drifted away - but I was happy just to know that she was still there.
Who was she? It was the person I once was, before the fog of depression isolated me from real life. With post natal depression a haze had descended; sometimes a deep and dislocating fog and at other times just a blurry mist. This makes the depression sound cozy and comforting, which is misleading, it is pernicious and cruel. Stray comments became stealth bombs that could plaque me in my endless sleepless nights. During daylight I was listless and unable to move under the terrible weight of what I perceived to be my failure; failure to keep my job, failure to keep my step children happy, failure to hold onto my financial nest egg, and worst of all by failing to conceive again I was a failure, in the most basic sense, as a woman. The mist of depression stopped me from being able to navigate my own life - all I could focus on was what I saw as failure.
I was physically present but the fog isolated me from my reality. Sure, there were happy times but I did not seem to be able to connect with them. I could watch my daughter enjoying her birthday, face alight with excitement and wonder - but feel as if I was watching it on a film.
For me there has been no black dog, I have never stopped functioning on a day to day level and I have always maintained my natural optimism. My life has just been veiled by the fog that isolates me, making functioning laborious.
The veil of depression is lifting, this morning for the first time in years I felt as if I was reconnecting with the old me. The effortlessly optimistic me will once again will feel connected and free again. I know, i saw her this morning.:'y
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Leaping into action
Well, the title is a lie but it is an unavoidable pun when thinking about tomorrow's date. Radio 4's PM programme has been urging us to take a leap for the leap year - so will I rise to the challenge?
In a word No! My life is on slow burn at the moment. I don't do resolutions, although once I arranged a midsummer dawn visit to Avebury for a would be pagan friend of mine (who stood up both us and her putative beliefs). My Wiltshire bf and I ended up by making simple but life affirming vows that, by and large, have kept our lives on track. (If you are asking, mine was not to take the Hubster fore granted).
I got post natal depression with the Pickle - not when I was looking out for it, in the early months - after about a year. My career had not survived adverse politicking when I was away on maternity leave, I was living with step children who were convinced that we/I really hated them (never got to the bottom of this conundrum), motherhood had confronted me with a whole heap of issues from my well buried past and, possibly most critically, the Pickle did not sleep for more that a couple of hours at a time in all that period. I was baffled and frustrated that my usual optimism had deep fissures!
This time around I did not want to repeat the heartache and calculated that things were not on my side - with a newborn and five year old I would be busy and the age of austerity could diminish any help available. I hauled my ripe belly to a lovely local charity and did the kind of emotional health check that I had read about in the excellent 'The f*** you up your family' by entering six weeks of counselling.
Since then I have been plodding purposefully. A friend gave a mantra 'you are the change you want to be'. It may be based on something Gandhi said, I am not sure, but the gist is that I need make a difference to my own life!
I won't turn whirling dervish tomorrow, although I expect if I did the Pickle would find that highly amusing, but I will keep on plodding! I have a bit of a game plan and tomorrow is another day that will bring me closer to my goal. Yes, I did say game plan - and games are meant to be fun. If may focus my mind and, if I make a few long distance calls to reengage drifting friendships, that sounds good too.
What about you? Business as usual or a great leap forward?
In a word No! My life is on slow burn at the moment. I don't do resolutions, although once I arranged a midsummer dawn visit to Avebury for a would be pagan friend of mine (who stood up both us and her putative beliefs). My Wiltshire bf and I ended up by making simple but life affirming vows that, by and large, have kept our lives on track. (If you are asking, mine was not to take the Hubster fore granted).
I got post natal depression with the Pickle - not when I was looking out for it, in the early months - after about a year. My career had not survived adverse politicking when I was away on maternity leave, I was living with step children who were convinced that we/I really hated them (never got to the bottom of this conundrum), motherhood had confronted me with a whole heap of issues from my well buried past and, possibly most critically, the Pickle did not sleep for more that a couple of hours at a time in all that period. I was baffled and frustrated that my usual optimism had deep fissures!
This time around I did not want to repeat the heartache and calculated that things were not on my side - with a newborn and five year old I would be busy and the age of austerity could diminish any help available. I hauled my ripe belly to a lovely local charity and did the kind of emotional health check that I had read about in the excellent 'The f*** you up your family' by entering six weeks of counselling.
Since then I have been plodding purposefully. A friend gave a mantra 'you are the change you want to be'. It may be based on something Gandhi said, I am not sure, but the gist is that I need make a difference to my own life!
I won't turn whirling dervish tomorrow, although I expect if I did the Pickle would find that highly amusing, but I will keep on plodding! I have a bit of a game plan and tomorrow is another day that will bring me closer to my goal. Yes, I did say game plan - and games are meant to be fun. If may focus my mind and, if I make a few long distance calls to reengage drifting friendships, that sounds good too.
What about you? Business as usual or a great leap forward?
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