When I gave up smoking my mantra was 'the only thing that a ciggie does is make you want the next one' and despite a few erm... forgetful occasions in thirteen years I have not started again.
This weekend i had a tricky day. I say 'tricky' and by that I mean one of the most emotionally raw and hurtful days since my dad died but you know what, fuck it, I survived with my dignity intact (despite that little incident where my bra proved a little insubstantial).
That morning I felt my dad's words echo through to me:
'it is not in the good times, but in the tough times when you prove your worth'.
True, he never said that to me, but the words seemed apt and by imagining his gravitas I clung onto the sentiment like a life raft.
I blimin hate homilies like 'what does not kill you makes you stronger'. Platitudes vomited by the likes of hallmark trip too easily from a vacant brain, but sometimes a well chosen mantra can be a great crutch.
As the snubs and shit flew I held my head high. The more vicious the more I smiled and outwardly rose above it. I can't imagine climbing Everest is a laugh a minute but reaching the summit remains an aspiration for generations, in the same way the day was shit but maintaining my dignity and my humanity was something that can define me forever as a decent human being.
I am not cross, I am sad that someone is so sad or confused as to lash out. I dearly hope that they find the help they need. I am moving on - licking my wounds and devising a way to avoid more shit flying my way.
The other saying that also came to mind was
'Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.' Malachy McCourt.
New years' resolutions? Probably should be the same as last year's: loose weight, blog more often and stop haemorrhaging money. yeah, yeah! When the going gets tough, what gets you going?
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