Tuesday, 25 January 2011

What next?

What next? It seems to be a slide towards IVF but I am trying to put the brakes on, sure that after one successful pregnancy I can conceive naturally again - but then I think of my age and at 40 I ought to be chasing after whatever options I have left with no delay.

The whole infertility issue is not easy - the path towards treatment is no bed of roses. You get poked and and prodded and your privacy goes out of the window. I have been on Clomid for a while and I have almost been ovulating, but somehow I don't quite get there.

The amazing nurse at the Fertility Clinic is convinced that I need one final push before we go for IVF - and an injection to try to ensure that I do ovulate. It is quite spooky, we work out when ovulation is due to take place and as it is a Monday I need to inject myself over the weekend - that means no trip to the clinic but I need do the deed myself. I have never concentrated so hard on anything in my life as how to do it. One injection,  two needles, solvents and the drugs.

We are not at home for the weekend so when to do it? We find a time and, of course, I wimp out and get the Hubster to take control. I am okay with injections, but so long as I don't see what is happening. Deep breath and injection over. But will it work?

Hormonal roller coaster! Weeeheee - Clomid and FSH (I think, it is 3 initials which are not HTC) all coursing through me, sending my emotions haywire. What fun! Fortunately the Hubster is a generous and forgiving type.

 I am now so matter of fact about the whole process and the whole failure cycle. After the misfires and the dodgy health (fainting, chronic exhaustion) I do need to think about any extra stresses that I put on my body. A few weeks later and I know the symptoms, the PMT, the churning inside.

I call the clinic on automatic and start to work out the next steps. The lovely nurse asks me if I have actually started my period - funny how I throw in the towel before I have even got to the crunch time. I just seem to be looking fatalistic - counting down the possible months until IVF.

It is funny how I am so upbeat and positive about so much of life but I seem to be totally fatalistic about my fertility. I don't think I am depressed by the situation, and funnily enough I really believe that we are going to have a sibling for the Pickle Why do I seem to be negative about my monthly (lack of) progress? Time will tell!

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