Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Stuck in the mist

Looking at my blog I notice that I have shared rather alot about my post natal depression. Two reasons, one to work things out for my myself and to validate my feelings but more importantly because it is an issue that affects the majority, yes the majority, of new Mums but is still often viewed as something to be ashamed about. This has been prompted for thehttp://www.dancewithoutsleeping.co.uk/p/mental-health-carnival.html Normal tales from the optimist will resume imminently. Xx


I glimpsed her today, walking through the woods. She was just going about her daily business, but somehow she just looked so free. Almost as soon as I registered her presence she drifted away - but I was happy just to know that she was still there.

Who was she? It was the person I once was, before the fog of depression isolated me from real life. With post natal depression a haze had descended; sometimes a deep and dislocating fog and at other times just a blurry mist. This makes the depression sound cozy and comforting, which is misleading, it is pernicious and cruel. Stray comments became stealth bombs that could plaque me in my endless sleepless nights. During daylight I was listless and unable to move under the terrible weight of what I perceived to be my failure; failure to keep my job, failure to keep my step children happy, failure to hold onto my financial nest egg, and worst of all by failing to conceive again I was a failure, in the most basic sense, as a woman. The mist of depression stopped me from being able to navigate my own life - all I could focus on was what I saw as failure.

I was physically present but the fog isolated me from my reality. Sure, there were happy times but I did not seem to be able to connect with them. I could watch my daughter enjoying her birthday, face alight with excitement and wonder - but feel as if I was watching it on a film.

For me there has been no black dog, I have never stopped functioning on a day to day level and I have always maintained my natural optimism. My life has just been veiled by the fog that isolates me, making functioning laborious.

The veil of depression is lifting, this morning for the first time in years I felt as if I was reconnecting with the old me. The effortlessly optimistic me will once again will feel connected and free again. I know, i saw her this morning.:'y

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